Archives
So I'm back. Full report coming soon.
Heading out first thing tomorrow morning to Revelstoke. Then Saturday up to Mica and Sunday the riding begins. Weather is looking much better according to their website. 15cm in the last 24 hours, 150 cm in the past 7 days.
Today's Guides Comments
Winter has returned. Up to 30cm of cold smoke in the terrain today. Excellent powder skiing from the Alpine to Valley Bottom!
-Shane Kroeger
Today's Guests Comments
"Best Snow in the world right now!!! Pillow madness!!!
-Tanner Hall
"Deep snow, bring your strong legs for the pillows!"
-Seth Morrison
So yeah, I'm a little stoked. I might even stick around for extra 4 days if things are looking good all trip.
Today's Guides Comments
Winter has returned. Up to 30cm of cold smoke in the terrain today. Excellent powder skiing from the Alpine to Valley Bottom!
-Shane Kroeger
Today's Guests Comments
"Best Snow in the world right now!!! Pillow madness!!!
-Tanner Hall
"Deep snow, bring your strong legs for the pillows!"
-Seth Morrison
So yeah, I'm a little stoked. I might even stick around for extra 4 days if things are looking good all trip.
No riding this weekend, but I had time to think.
I'm removing the condo from the list of goals. I think I'd rather have variety than ski in/out luxury at one mountain.
I'm adding more travel goals, South America (likely a tour package encompassing Las Lenas, Portillo, Valle Nevado, etc.), Japan (I've always heard the best snow on earth is here, usually after someone claims it's in Utah...), Baffin Island and Kashmir. Closer to home, I also want to get to Powder King, and make a big road trip through the US - Big Sky, Jackson Hole, Utah, and Lake Tahoe. And really close to home, I'd like to do some of these lines at Castle
I'd also like to be able to spend one day touring with Greg Hill just to see if I could keep up. Found his blog on the weekend and I'm still amazed. He's bagged a million vertical last winter. That's a million vertical feet up under his own power, then obviously back down. He's also won the http://24hoursofsunlight.com/ the last two years, logging a record 50,000 vertical in 24 hours. That's more than 2,000 vertical climbed per hour, every hour, for an entire day. Plus you gotta de-skin, ski down, re-skin, etc. Wow! This winter his blog is detailing his attempt at 100 days of 10,000+ vertical. So, yeah, I'd be happy just to keep up with him for one day.
Those big ticket travel items aren't all going to happen in one year, but I'd like to get them all crossed off the list in the next 3 to 5 years.
I'm removing the condo from the list of goals. I think I'd rather have variety than ski in/out luxury at one mountain.
I'm adding more travel goals, South America (likely a tour package encompassing Las Lenas, Portillo, Valle Nevado, etc.), Japan (I've always heard the best snow on earth is here, usually after someone claims it's in Utah...), Baffin Island and Kashmir. Closer to home, I also want to get to Powder King, and make a big road trip through the US - Big Sky, Jackson Hole, Utah, and Lake Tahoe. And really close to home, I'd like to do some of these lines at Castle
I'd also like to be able to spend one day touring with Greg Hill just to see if I could keep up. Found his blog on the weekend and I'm still amazed. He's bagged a million vertical last winter. That's a million vertical feet up under his own power, then obviously back down. He's also won the http://24hoursofsunlight.com/ the last two years, logging a record 50,000 vertical in 24 hours. That's more than 2,000 vertical climbed per hour, every hour, for an entire day. Plus you gotta de-skin, ski down, re-skin, etc. Wow! This winter his blog is detailing his attempt at 100 days of 10,000+ vertical. So, yeah, I'd be happy just to keep up with him for one day.
Those big ticket travel items aren't all going to happen in one year, but I'd like to get them all crossed off the list in the next 3 to 5 years.
I've been busy this week, but last Sunday I did make it up to Castle. It was +18C here, and not much cooler there. Rained most of the day, all the way to the top. Snow quality was crap as you'll see from the short video. The secret trees were toast. Everything else was even worse. The new board I'd ordered hadn't showed up yet, so I was stuck riding the split. We ended up making a handful of runs and then headed home.
This serves as a reminder of why I only ride powder.
I've spent some more time thinking about that once in a lifetime trip thing (see the comments from the last post about riding in the Himalayas) I found this blog detailing one person's winter long experience there. It's a bit on the commercialized side (the blog that is), Gulmarg is anything but commercialized. It's a fine line between going for a cultural experience and riding a virtually untracked giant of a mountain and going for only the cultural experience and not riding at all while the weather socks in. Or the gondola opens late. Or doesn't open at all. Yes, you can still skin some of those days, but that'd get old pretty quick unless you were there for the whole winter. I think 1-2 weeks is the most that I could swing. Fair amount of risk of not getting very many days of riding in after reading the blog. Accommodation and "lift" sound virtually free, but the air travel costs and time to travel certainly aren't.
The new Prior showed up this week. Got the same model and size as my split - I was going to get the same graphics too, but they were sold out of the base colour. Sounds like the graphics are all pre-made. Anyhow, went with a red/black/white combo and was a bit disappointed when the board showed up. It's nowhere near as glossy as the split and the serial/model/owner's name thing that they put on the custom built boards rubbed off when I touched it. Almost like they forgot to clear coat it. I emailed customer service and it doesn't sound like they're willing to do anything about it. Their response:
The issue is just with the topsheet its self. It is a different material than we usually use for the snowboards, we mainly used that for the skis because it is more durable and when skis cross they tend to damage the topsheet requiring a tougher material. As far as the name part, that sucks that it rubbed off, I thought it would have been ok, there's nothing that we can really do about it at this point so I'm not too sure what to suggest.
I guess with the way I treat my gear, I really shouldn't worry anyway.
Starting to get really pumped for the Mica trip. I was worried that they'd been getting the rain and warm weather that it seems the rest of the west has been, but in talking with them things are sounding promising. Except for the fact that they've pared down the 12 people to 5, maybe 6. My worry is that they'll fill the spot(s) with a "weakest link(s)"
I'd booked this particular trip as they'd assured me it was full of returning guests who rode at an aggressive level. Apparently the ones remaining are still part of the core, but others had to re-schedule or cancel. The weather had been de-stoking me, now it's the worry over the filler. Guess I'll find out in a week.
With the snowboard season winding down, it's going to get tougher to stay motivated to keep up with the gym and cardio routines. I signed up for a full year with my personal trainer to try to prevent that. Even now though, it's tough to train hard for stuff that's 9 months away. As Connor said, winter is so long, yet it's so short. I've been looking for a new goal or challenge to keep me going. So I've started running. I think it'll do wonders for skinning next winter. I haven't run in 15+ years, probably since junior high. I was never very good at it, but I seem to be doing ok. Started out slow - my first three runs have been 1.6, 3.5 and 7.0 km. I haven't decided for sure yet, but I think I want to try the running the M word (I'm not going to mention the M word until I decide if it's a real goal, but you probably can figure it out... 26.2 miles or 42.2km) this fall. That's a lot further than I've run so far, but I have 6-8 months of training time left. Plus if I can run continuously for 4 to 6 hours, imagine the vertical I'll be able to bag on the splitboard!
This serves as a reminder of why I only ride powder.
I've spent some more time thinking about that once in a lifetime trip thing (see the comments from the last post about riding in the Himalayas) I found this blog detailing one person's winter long experience there. It's a bit on the commercialized side (the blog that is), Gulmarg is anything but commercialized. It's a fine line between going for a cultural experience and riding a virtually untracked giant of a mountain and going for only the cultural experience and not riding at all while the weather socks in. Or the gondola opens late. Or doesn't open at all. Yes, you can still skin some of those days, but that'd get old pretty quick unless you were there for the whole winter. I think 1-2 weeks is the most that I could swing. Fair amount of risk of not getting very many days of riding in after reading the blog. Accommodation and "lift" sound virtually free, but the air travel costs and time to travel certainly aren't.
The new Prior showed up this week. Got the same model and size as my split - I was going to get the same graphics too, but they were sold out of the base colour. Sounds like the graphics are all pre-made. Anyhow, went with a red/black/white combo and was a bit disappointed when the board showed up. It's nowhere near as glossy as the split and the serial/model/owner's name thing that they put on the custom built boards rubbed off when I touched it. Almost like they forgot to clear coat it. I emailed customer service and it doesn't sound like they're willing to do anything about it. Their response:
The issue is just with the topsheet its self. It is a different material than we usually use for the snowboards, we mainly used that for the skis because it is more durable and when skis cross they tend to damage the topsheet requiring a tougher material. As far as the name part, that sucks that it rubbed off, I thought it would have been ok, there's nothing that we can really do about it at this point so I'm not too sure what to suggest.
I guess with the way I treat my gear, I really shouldn't worry anyway.
Starting to get really pumped for the Mica trip. I was worried that they'd been getting the rain and warm weather that it seems the rest of the west has been, but in talking with them things are sounding promising. Except for the fact that they've pared down the 12 people to 5, maybe 6. My worry is that they'll fill the spot(s) with a "weakest link(s)"
I'd booked this particular trip as they'd assured me it was full of returning guests who rode at an aggressive level. Apparently the ones remaining are still part of the core, but others had to re-schedule or cancel. The weather had been de-stoking me, now it's the worry over the filler. Guess I'll find out in a week.
With the snowboard season winding down, it's going to get tougher to stay motivated to keep up with the gym and cardio routines. I signed up for a full year with my personal trainer to try to prevent that. Even now though, it's tough to train hard for stuff that's 9 months away. As Connor said, winter is so long, yet it's so short. I've been looking for a new goal or challenge to keep me going. So I've started running. I think it'll do wonders for skinning next winter. I haven't run in 15+ years, probably since junior high. I was never very good at it, but I seem to be doing ok. Started out slow - my first three runs have been 1.6, 3.5 and 7.0 km. I haven't decided for sure yet, but I think I want to try the running the M word (I'm not going to mention the M word until I decide if it's a real goal, but you probably can figure it out... 26.2 miles or 42.2km) this fall. That's a lot further than I've run so far, but I have 6-8 months of training time left. Plus if I can run continuously for 4 to 6 hours, imagine the vertical I'll be able to bag on the splitboard!
It's super early to be doing so, but I just booked a trip for next winter. There's only a handful of cat operations that meet my new requirements of having a lodge thats right in the tenure. Ie. You wake up, step out of the lodge and into the cat. First turns in minutes from departure. I've grown tired of the "commute" each morning and evening. Seems lots of other people are coming to the same conclusion and the operations that meet this criteria fill up pretty quick - hence the early booking.
The operations I'm aware of are Chatter Creek, Mustang Powder, Baldface, Retallack, and Island Lake.
I'll be joining the new friends from the avalanche course at Chatter Creek over New Year's for 4 days of riding. Hopefully, I can add some more people from this year's Valhalla and/or White Grizzly trip to mix as well.
Haven't been out riding in a while, spring conditions abound, so I've revamped a couple movies. Increased the resolution and added music. Links are on the right hand side. They're now huge files, so don't attempt them with dial-up!
2 weeks and counting until the Mica trip!
I found this once in a lifetime style trip the other day. Sounds like a very unique place to go riding, but the price is up there... although after having an old friend go on a Everest base camp trek... maybe it's worth it? You only live once and you'll never lie on your death bed wishing you'd heli/cat/twin otter skied less!
The operations I'm aware of are Chatter Creek, Mustang Powder, Baldface, Retallack, and Island Lake.
I'll be joining the new friends from the avalanche course at Chatter Creek over New Year's for 4 days of riding. Hopefully, I can add some more people from this year's Valhalla and/or White Grizzly trip to mix as well.
Haven't been out riding in a while, spring conditions abound, so I've revamped a couple movies. Increased the resolution and added music. Links are on the right hand side. They're now huge files, so don't attempt them with dial-up!
2 weeks and counting until the Mica trip!
I found this once in a lifetime style trip the other day. Sounds like a very unique place to go riding, but the price is up there... although after having an old friend go on a Everest base camp trek... maybe it's worth it? You only live once and you'll never lie on your death bed wishing you'd heli/cat/twin otter skied less!
It's taken me forever, but I finally got the video from 4 days of head cam footage edited down. Be patient, it's 5 minutes long and almost 65 meg!
I'm reposting without permission, but I just couldn't resist poaching Mike's sweeping diatribe of the trip.
Per our annual custom, I'd like to dish out props to everyone who made this trip what it was--a short tour of a tiny fraction of the future 52nd State (according to eminent political philosopher Brad Karafil) by a bunch of obnoxious gapers with little powder experience and even worse powder technique, none of whom will live to see Canada join the Union (see Figure 1: Wolsfeld 14).
Steve, you're still my favorite little brother, even though you're a lot less fun when you don't get blind drunk and pee the hotel (twice), pee yourself (once), and shart yourself on the mountain (once), and even though we'll never be able to fly into Canada for one of these trips due to your felony conviction. That's okay, because we all love that 6-hour drive to and from Spokane in pouring rain and puking snow. On the positive side, I didn't have to wait for you to poop in a snow-hole again while we're supposed to be cat skiing. And your constant, simultaneous smoking of Fajina-sized cigarettes and chewing of Nicorette gum definitely got you hopped up and focused enough to keep up with the group and avoid getting buried in gullies. I don't understand how you can engage in text-messaging sex when you're supposed to care for me. You come from such a good family. It just doesn't make any sense. I tried to make you into a better person when I hurled your cell phone at the shower glass and busted up your lip. When are you going to realize that you cannot just rely on your family, friends, AA group meetings, inpatient treatment, incarceration, and Chinese water torture to remain strong and abstinent. You need God, Steve. Now I'll always have trust issues. By the way, when are you going to forward us that string of text messages anyway? This is bull$hit. We've been waiting over a month. "Remember this?"
Mirabito, huge props to you for reducing the number of aggravated pole plants, not tearing your rotator cuffs, and actually skiing like a pro on the few runs you were skiing with the group and not the tail guides. Chicaw, braw. Thankfully, the hot tub was not broken at Grizzly Lodge and we were able to spend some QT with your marijuana nipple and your Idaho-potato-sized testicles. Nice work communicating to HJ the level of fitness required for the cat trip. I'm sure HJ didn't want to tear your marijuana nipple off with duck tape on day 2 when he couldn't feel anything below his chin except the 16 quarts of lactic acid coursing through his thighs. This crap about how you're not planning to come to BC in 2008 after you get married needs to stop right now. You still suck.
Surprisingly, JP gets no props for spectacular crashes, hunks of flesh shorn from his limbs, or for displaying his cheem-like personality in the tree wells, though he did visit a couple of them again. Thank God Keating wasn't on this trip. Wade would have drawn-and-quartered you two after the fourth "Lotion" and "Basket" exchange. And what the hell is up with you and Sue? You guys have been dating since the late '80s, yet no one has any inkling of your future plans. It's like you and Elam entered into a secret pact to wage a war of attrition against Kim and Sue and to see which one of you two can hold out the longest. You both have a taste for the strange, too, so maybe there's more to my suspicion than meets the eye. If I had to guess, I'd say you and Elam are planning an exclusive cat skiing trip to the Grizz in 2008 that will be attended by you, Elam, and 10 of Montreal's finest strange. My two-year-old offer to pay you $20 per month to grow a mullet remains a standing offer. I'll even increase the offer to $25 as a cost-of-living adjustment. That shizzle would look great flowing out of your new ski helmet. Anyone else who's willing to contribute should speak up now and sweeten this deal.
Wolsfeld, you skied AWESOME, buddy. I like it when you go fast down steep, treed runs with your legs spread 36" apart and both arms raised above your shoulders. Do you keep your arms up to avoid allowing your pole baskets to touch the snow? Weird. Brad and Andrew asked me to thank you for flashing your chewing gum at them on your way to your appointment with that limp-wristed "massage therapist" who has a flatulence problem. It must be all those organic crops she's eating in the Kootenay north woods. Next year, please remember to call Anne from the lobby every night and do that sweet baby talk you guys like to do. When are you going to tell her the group triggered some size 1.5 avalanches? Probably during the same conversation in which you disclose that you were not, in fact, a virgin when you two got married. If you promise not to wear that Chris Farry club shirt next year, we'll invite you on the '08 trip. It's always a pleasure watching you make first impressions on new people like Wade, Brad, Andrew, Tom, and Carole. Frankly, it's a miracle you survived your first night of sleep in the lodge. I actually woke up and saw Wade slipping out of my room at 3:30 a.m. with a murderous gleam in his eye and a deer knife between his teeth. He was muttering something about how he hoped you would like what you'd be wearing to the 6:00 a.m. safety orientation. Seriously, if you need representation or VC money in your Ski Porn 2 production, call me. I would line up for a feature role in the film, but I hear the industry turns away thousands of guys "just like me" every year.
HJ, mucho props for removing your arse from your desk chair and getting in shape for the trip so that you could link more than 3 turns together before spiraling into tire-legged wedge turns. Honestly, I don't know how you were able to ski a reduced schedule on day 2. There were a couple of occasions where it looked to the casual observer like Mirabito was playing your legs from behind like harp strings. Usually, that quaking and quivering would be followed by a face plant in 24" of pow. Hey, at least the snow was soft, and now you've developed a taste for backcountry skiing. By the last day, it looked like your quads could finally hack the fall line because you had stopped doing all of your dry-land training in midtown Manhattan. Every year someone has to experience the "wake-up call." It was Brad and Tracy in 2005, and Whistler in 2006. Come back with a vengeance, bro. Wade was 240 lbs. two seasons ago, and now look at him? He claims to have 18% body fat and couldn't care less about his riding partner's safety. He simply hauls ass down the mountain in an attempt to record an even higher heart rate on his Suunto altimeter-electrocardiogram watch that folds out into a defibrillator when needed. (That wasn't needed, fortunately, but there were some close calls.) Skiing with Wade reminded me of mountain biking with Greene a few years ago when Greene was training for La Ruta. It felt just as good following Wade down the mountain on two skis as it felt to chase Greene up one on two wheels. Anyway, how good was the Kootenay-brand stuff you and Jeremy were smoking up and down that mountain while you were riding shotgun?
John, I've been trying to think of a way to buy you some more time on the proverbial engagement clock, but unfortunately your time has run out--for real this time. By this time next year, dawg, you'll be married and have twin baby girls. Greene will be married with triplet boys, all of whom have a nice caramel complexion, so you two can e-mail each other when your wives force you to miss the 2008 trip. Kim and especially Abby are just itching to squeeze out some pups. JP, on the other hand, already has declared his undying loyalty to Team Neg Gnar and has committed to the 2008 cat trip, meaning we get to see one more exciting year in which he knowingly burns up his goodwill with Sue.
Wade, huge props to you for riding at 50 mph, leaving your partners in a smoke screen, stealing ski poles, spraying skiers at each of the 13,467 regroups, explaining the intricacies (and benefits) of the Canadian tax system, and generally not being the knuckle dragging a-hole we were expecting. 20,000 Gnar points awarded for all of that. Another 10,000 gnar points for your week-long rendition of Lars Ulrich (or, if you ask my brother, Bo Bice). Hopefully, next year you can get loaded and smash Wolsfeld in the mouth when he's being loud and obnoxious. Please shave the mustache and grow an Amish beard first, though. My brother used to grow an Amish beard for these cat trips, but he had to knock that off so as to avoid unwanted attention at the border crossings. Speaking of which, there is a lot of speculation States-side as to whether there is any secret meaning behind "tree pilot"--i.e., other than you like to haul ass through tight trees. If you fly planes to transport arbores, you should talk to my brother. Several years ago Steve pioneered a much safer and cost-effective means of interstate transportation--namely, he would just walk into a local FedEx store in Detroit and ship himself a package, using his own name and credit card, to wherever his ultimate destination happened to be. That worked fine right up until some nosy law enforcement officers decided to bring a couple of German Shepherds into FedEx's office in Saratoga Springs, New York. On the bright side, a night in solitary confinement was a sobering experience. You joined the trip on short notice, rode your ass off, weren't a jerk off, didn't bitch or moan more than I did (I set the ceiling on that front), didn't spread Gymgau Influenza to anyone on the trip, and played free photographer and videographer to the group. (Everyone will have a short segment of video footage of them skiing as you fly by with your helmet cam.) 10,000 bonus points for all that.
Tobin, 10,000 gnar points for taking the cat plunge after five years of painstaking (and painful) solicitation by me. You and Carole were a match made in alternate universes. You: short, dark, sweaty, smiling, polite, honest, gracious, and pious. She: tall, luminescent white, dry, grimly concerned, rude, fraudulent, thankless, and godless. At least she poached sweet lines for you. And, hey, why should she celebrate Christmas? She and Brad celebrate Christmas every night with their guests who have been swindled into paying thousands of dollars for 8,000 skiable acres and an average of 20,000 vertical feet per run. Speaking of honesty, nice work handling your own compulsive honesty by telling Jess how good the skiing was while she froze her ass off in unseasonably cold weather in Boca Grand, single-handedly taking care of your child and managing your in-laws while you cavorted with the boys. That should really assist you in your cause to participate, unchaperoned, in next year's cat trip.
Congratulations to Foley for discovering the one thing other than copious quantities of Vodka and beer that put an irreversible South Park grin on his face. At the end of every deep run, it looked like we were about to see falling timber again. Glad you had a good time. 10,000 points for taking your first cat trip. I do apologize for you having to wake up every morning to Kelly Clarkson and Wolsfeld singing Kelly Clarkson songs. That must have been rough. 5,000 bonus points for not forcing us to drink Miller products all weekend, too.
Greene, you used to tele, right? I could have sworn you were a tele skier by your low-crouch ski stance. I'm sure your stance had nothing to do with the waist-deep appearance of you skiing through 6" of new snow. I tried your Alligator Arms move with that cute little blond waitress at Jackson Hole Grill and Pub, but she started backing away from me as I shamelessly talked about how hot, but really good, that burger was that she recommended to us. That was a HOT burger, especially as it exited my rectum at 6:00 a.m. at the Best Western. But not nearly as hot as my steamy exchange with the waitress. Even though she was all of about 17, she could see my move coming from a mile away and promptly punched out and disappeared permanently. I don't know if you noticed, but the owner, seeing me hurl my carcass repeatedly against the Great Wall of China, actually took pity on her and took over her shift so she could flee the scene. Muchos props go to you for destroying only one pair of ski poles this year. Before the trip I was having nightmares about what it would be like to see you ski six consecutive runs down Stovepipe in deep, sluffing snow. Fortunately, Brad and Carole lied about how gnarly the terrain was, and you got through it unscathed. Thank God I was able to talk you down off the ledge on Thursday morning after United canceled your flight. "United f'ing sucks. United f'ing sucks. I'm on my way home now. I spent three hours trying to rebook on a United flight. They can't me there until Saturday, no, Monday. I don't f'ing know when they can get me. They suck. I'm not going to be able to make it. F'ing sucks." "Calm down, dude. Did you try to book with another airline?" "Yes, it would cost me $15,000 to fly directly to Castlegar on Air Canada." "You don't need to get to Castlegar, only to Spokane. Did you try Delta?" "No, I had to get out of there. It was such bullshit. United sucks." I'm sure your extreme reaction had nothing to do with your own Stovepipe nightmares.
Mig, tight lines. 10,000 points for getting into shape at the last minute. Now to business. Elam would like you to introduce a bill providing for a new "guest worker program." Hell, you don't even need it to be that broad--you can just call it the Salazar-McGuire Mexicans Who Are Guests of Northwest Colorado Act of 2007. The legislation should afford Elam Construction as many illegal workers as Elam Construction deems "necessary and appropriate." My brother would like your man to sponsor a bill providing for the expungement of all felony convictions in New York state in 2001. Yes, it's arbitrary and capricious, but please rely on federal supremacy and we'll deal with the courts later. JP would like you to authorize federal funding for research into hair-growth solutions for teenage-male baldness. He would like a complete, retroactive cure to teenage-male baldness by no later than February 2010. Get on it. (If it's not asking too much, my brother also would like you to tie some small amount of pork to the baldness bill that authorizes funding for the research and development of a cure for addictive behavior of all kinds, including but not limited to smoking, chewing Nicorette gum, candy flipping, acid dropping, rolling on E, partying on animal tranquilizers, gambling, sexual intercourse, telephone intercourse, text messaging and e-mail intercourse, compulsively planning of vacations you cannot afford, and talking on a cell phone.) Tobin would like Congress to legalize over-the-counter sales and personal possession and use of human growth hormone. He's determined to weigh more than his wife one of these days. Wade would like you to dismantle NORAD monitoring along the U.S.-Canadian border. I ask only for unlimited federal funding of research and development of effective drugs for "natural" male enhancement. The statute should define "effective enhancement" as "growth of no fewer than 5 centimeters." There are benefits to using the metric system for measurements, and I strongly urge Congress to do so.
Brad, thanks for sharing Dead Tooth with your guests and pretending to be a lead guide when you're no better than a third-rate tail guide. You should take a little out of the business and get that thing capped, braw. At least it wasn't obvious that Tom knew nothing at all about your tenure, even though Tom was "ultimately responsible" for our safety. I especially appreciated your scolding when you unknowingly triggered a slide and then yelled at me for skiing down and out of the way. I, for one, believed you when you told us that you don't grow BC's finest on your land tenure.
Tom, thanks for steering us clear of those "big" 5-foot pillow drops. We wouldn't want our guests getting hurt going off those, would we? Especially when the landing is three-feet to the plush side with pow. Also, thanks for spending all day checking snow stability, never once taking us into any of the 50-degree chutes that supposedly were hiding somewhere behind the clouds up in the alpine, and worrying about avalanches above 6,000 feet where there clearly wasn't any surface hoar buried under the storm snow. Greene liked it when you told him to "f'ing listen" to you, otherwise we were all going home. After all, Greene was at least four feet in front and ten feet to the right of Brad on one of those hairy 42-degree faces that had no surface hoar buried underneath the new snow. And what's with that damn permagrin, guy? You reminded me of Howdy Doody. At least you didn't refer to your backpack as a "little nig*er," like Ruddy.
Carole, thanks for skiing with the group like a paying guest while you're much cooler employees were forced to mop and clean the lodge like Cinderella. Yes, Mirabito does suck, and no, it has nothing to do with you, you insecure piece of worn-out French Canadian trash. And, no, for the hundredth time, my f'ing name is not Chris. God forbid you start the ski day an hour early so that we can get an extra run in. That would cut into your beauty sleep and double the size of your already impressive jowls. There's no way you would have been able to rob the cradle and land a ski-bum hunk like Brad if he wasn't tortured by his own insecurity due to Dead Tooth. Is it really possible that you have been skiing on those same 450 skiable acres for 9 years and still no less about the cat operations than we do? Carole, shut the . . .
Until next year,
Dr. Fatkins
I'm reposting without permission, but I just couldn't resist poaching Mike's sweeping diatribe of the trip.
Per our annual custom, I'd like to dish out props to everyone who made this trip what it was--a short tour of a tiny fraction of the future 52nd State (according to eminent political philosopher Brad Karafil) by a bunch of obnoxious gapers with little powder experience and even worse powder technique, none of whom will live to see Canada join the Union (see Figure 1: Wolsfeld 14).
Steve, you're still my favorite little brother, even though you're a lot less fun when you don't get blind drunk and pee the hotel (twice), pee yourself (once), and shart yourself on the mountain (once), and even though we'll never be able to fly into Canada for one of these trips due to your felony conviction. That's okay, because we all love that 6-hour drive to and from Spokane in pouring rain and puking snow. On the positive side, I didn't have to wait for you to poop in a snow-hole again while we're supposed to be cat skiing. And your constant, simultaneous smoking of Fajina-sized cigarettes and chewing of Nicorette gum definitely got you hopped up and focused enough to keep up with the group and avoid getting buried in gullies. I don't understand how you can engage in text-messaging sex when you're supposed to care for me. You come from such a good family. It just doesn't make any sense. I tried to make you into a better person when I hurled your cell phone at the shower glass and busted up your lip. When are you going to realize that you cannot just rely on your family, friends, AA group meetings, inpatient treatment, incarceration, and Chinese water torture to remain strong and abstinent. You need God, Steve. Now I'll always have trust issues. By the way, when are you going to forward us that string of text messages anyway? This is bull$hit. We've been waiting over a month. "Remember this?"
Mirabito, huge props to you for reducing the number of aggravated pole plants, not tearing your rotator cuffs, and actually skiing like a pro on the few runs you were skiing with the group and not the tail guides. Chicaw, braw. Thankfully, the hot tub was not broken at Grizzly Lodge and we were able to spend some QT with your marijuana nipple and your Idaho-potato-sized testicles. Nice work communicating to HJ the level of fitness required for the cat trip. I'm sure HJ didn't want to tear your marijuana nipple off with duck tape on day 2 when he couldn't feel anything below his chin except the 16 quarts of lactic acid coursing through his thighs. This crap about how you're not planning to come to BC in 2008 after you get married needs to stop right now. You still suck.
Surprisingly, JP gets no props for spectacular crashes, hunks of flesh shorn from his limbs, or for displaying his cheem-like personality in the tree wells, though he did visit a couple of them again. Thank God Keating wasn't on this trip. Wade would have drawn-and-quartered you two after the fourth "Lotion" and "Basket" exchange. And what the hell is up with you and Sue? You guys have been dating since the late '80s, yet no one has any inkling of your future plans. It's like you and Elam entered into a secret pact to wage a war of attrition against Kim and Sue and to see which one of you two can hold out the longest. You both have a taste for the strange, too, so maybe there's more to my suspicion than meets the eye. If I had to guess, I'd say you and Elam are planning an exclusive cat skiing trip to the Grizz in 2008 that will be attended by you, Elam, and 10 of Montreal's finest strange. My two-year-old offer to pay you $20 per month to grow a mullet remains a standing offer. I'll even increase the offer to $25 as a cost-of-living adjustment. That shizzle would look great flowing out of your new ski helmet. Anyone else who's willing to contribute should speak up now and sweeten this deal.
Wolsfeld, you skied AWESOME, buddy. I like it when you go fast down steep, treed runs with your legs spread 36" apart and both arms raised above your shoulders. Do you keep your arms up to avoid allowing your pole baskets to touch the snow? Weird. Brad and Andrew asked me to thank you for flashing your chewing gum at them on your way to your appointment with that limp-wristed "massage therapist" who has a flatulence problem. It must be all those organic crops she's eating in the Kootenay north woods. Next year, please remember to call Anne from the lobby every night and do that sweet baby talk you guys like to do. When are you going to tell her the group triggered some size 1.5 avalanches? Probably during the same conversation in which you disclose that you were not, in fact, a virgin when you two got married. If you promise not to wear that Chris Farry club shirt next year, we'll invite you on the '08 trip. It's always a pleasure watching you make first impressions on new people like Wade, Brad, Andrew, Tom, and Carole. Frankly, it's a miracle you survived your first night of sleep in the lodge. I actually woke up and saw Wade slipping out of my room at 3:30 a.m. with a murderous gleam in his eye and a deer knife between his teeth. He was muttering something about how he hoped you would like what you'd be wearing to the 6:00 a.m. safety orientation. Seriously, if you need representation or VC money in your Ski Porn 2 production, call me. I would line up for a feature role in the film, but I hear the industry turns away thousands of guys "just like me" every year.
HJ, mucho props for removing your arse from your desk chair and getting in shape for the trip so that you could link more than 3 turns together before spiraling into tire-legged wedge turns. Honestly, I don't know how you were able to ski a reduced schedule on day 2. There were a couple of occasions where it looked to the casual observer like Mirabito was playing your legs from behind like harp strings. Usually, that quaking and quivering would be followed by a face plant in 24" of pow. Hey, at least the snow was soft, and now you've developed a taste for backcountry skiing. By the last day, it looked like your quads could finally hack the fall line because you had stopped doing all of your dry-land training in midtown Manhattan. Every year someone has to experience the "wake-up call." It was Brad and Tracy in 2005, and Whistler in 2006. Come back with a vengeance, bro. Wade was 240 lbs. two seasons ago, and now look at him? He claims to have 18% body fat and couldn't care less about his riding partner's safety. He simply hauls ass down the mountain in an attempt to record an even higher heart rate on his Suunto altimeter-electrocardiogram watch that folds out into a defibrillator when needed. (That wasn't needed, fortunately, but there were some close calls.) Skiing with Wade reminded me of mountain biking with Greene a few years ago when Greene was training for La Ruta. It felt just as good following Wade down the mountain on two skis as it felt to chase Greene up one on two wheels. Anyway, how good was the Kootenay-brand stuff you and Jeremy were smoking up and down that mountain while you were riding shotgun?
John, I've been trying to think of a way to buy you some more time on the proverbial engagement clock, but unfortunately your time has run out--for real this time. By this time next year, dawg, you'll be married and have twin baby girls. Greene will be married with triplet boys, all of whom have a nice caramel complexion, so you two can e-mail each other when your wives force you to miss the 2008 trip. Kim and especially Abby are just itching to squeeze out some pups. JP, on the other hand, already has declared his undying loyalty to Team Neg Gnar and has committed to the 2008 cat trip, meaning we get to see one more exciting year in which he knowingly burns up his goodwill with Sue.
Wade, huge props to you for riding at 50 mph, leaving your partners in a smoke screen, stealing ski poles, spraying skiers at each of the 13,467 regroups, explaining the intricacies (and benefits) of the Canadian tax system, and generally not being the knuckle dragging a-hole we were expecting. 20,000 Gnar points awarded for all of that. Another 10,000 gnar points for your week-long rendition of Lars Ulrich (or, if you ask my brother, Bo Bice). Hopefully, next year you can get loaded and smash Wolsfeld in the mouth when he's being loud and obnoxious. Please shave the mustache and grow an Amish beard first, though. My brother used to grow an Amish beard for these cat trips, but he had to knock that off so as to avoid unwanted attention at the border crossings. Speaking of which, there is a lot of speculation States-side as to whether there is any secret meaning behind "tree pilot"--i.e., other than you like to haul ass through tight trees. If you fly planes to transport arbores, you should talk to my brother. Several years ago Steve pioneered a much safer and cost-effective means of interstate transportation--namely, he would just walk into a local FedEx store in Detroit and ship himself a package, using his own name and credit card, to wherever his ultimate destination happened to be. That worked fine right up until some nosy law enforcement officers decided to bring a couple of German Shepherds into FedEx's office in Saratoga Springs, New York. On the bright side, a night in solitary confinement was a sobering experience. You joined the trip on short notice, rode your ass off, weren't a jerk off, didn't bitch or moan more than I did (I set the ceiling on that front), didn't spread Gymgau Influenza to anyone on the trip, and played free photographer and videographer to the group. (Everyone will have a short segment of video footage of them skiing as you fly by with your helmet cam.) 10,000 bonus points for all that.
Tobin, 10,000 gnar points for taking the cat plunge after five years of painstaking (and painful) solicitation by me. You and Carole were a match made in alternate universes. You: short, dark, sweaty, smiling, polite, honest, gracious, and pious. She: tall, luminescent white, dry, grimly concerned, rude, fraudulent, thankless, and godless. At least she poached sweet lines for you. And, hey, why should she celebrate Christmas? She and Brad celebrate Christmas every night with their guests who have been swindled into paying thousands of dollars for 8,000 skiable acres and an average of 20,000 vertical feet per run. Speaking of honesty, nice work handling your own compulsive honesty by telling Jess how good the skiing was while she froze her ass off in unseasonably cold weather in Boca Grand, single-handedly taking care of your child and managing your in-laws while you cavorted with the boys. That should really assist you in your cause to participate, unchaperoned, in next year's cat trip.
Congratulations to Foley for discovering the one thing other than copious quantities of Vodka and beer that put an irreversible South Park grin on his face. At the end of every deep run, it looked like we were about to see falling timber again. Glad you had a good time. 10,000 points for taking your first cat trip. I do apologize for you having to wake up every morning to Kelly Clarkson and Wolsfeld singing Kelly Clarkson songs. That must have been rough. 5,000 bonus points for not forcing us to drink Miller products all weekend, too.
Greene, you used to tele, right? I could have sworn you were a tele skier by your low-crouch ski stance. I'm sure your stance had nothing to do with the waist-deep appearance of you skiing through 6" of new snow. I tried your Alligator Arms move with that cute little blond waitress at Jackson Hole Grill and Pub, but she started backing away from me as I shamelessly talked about how hot, but really good, that burger was that she recommended to us. That was a HOT burger, especially as it exited my rectum at 6:00 a.m. at the Best Western. But not nearly as hot as my steamy exchange with the waitress. Even though she was all of about 17, she could see my move coming from a mile away and promptly punched out and disappeared permanently. I don't know if you noticed, but the owner, seeing me hurl my carcass repeatedly against the Great Wall of China, actually took pity on her and took over her shift so she could flee the scene. Muchos props go to you for destroying only one pair of ski poles this year. Before the trip I was having nightmares about what it would be like to see you ski six consecutive runs down Stovepipe in deep, sluffing snow. Fortunately, Brad and Carole lied about how gnarly the terrain was, and you got through it unscathed. Thank God I was able to talk you down off the ledge on Thursday morning after United canceled your flight. "United f'ing sucks. United f'ing sucks. I'm on my way home now. I spent three hours trying to rebook on a United flight. They can't me there until Saturday, no, Monday. I don't f'ing know when they can get me. They suck. I'm not going to be able to make it. F'ing sucks." "Calm down, dude. Did you try to book with another airline?" "Yes, it would cost me $15,000 to fly directly to Castlegar on Air Canada." "You don't need to get to Castlegar, only to Spokane. Did you try Delta?" "No, I had to get out of there. It was such bullshit. United sucks." I'm sure your extreme reaction had nothing to do with your own Stovepipe nightmares.
Mig, tight lines. 10,000 points for getting into shape at the last minute. Now to business. Elam would like you to introduce a bill providing for a new "guest worker program." Hell, you don't even need it to be that broad--you can just call it the Salazar-McGuire Mexicans Who Are Guests of Northwest Colorado Act of 2007. The legislation should afford Elam Construction as many illegal workers as Elam Construction deems "necessary and appropriate." My brother would like your man to sponsor a bill providing for the expungement of all felony convictions in New York state in 2001. Yes, it's arbitrary and capricious, but please rely on federal supremacy and we'll deal with the courts later. JP would like you to authorize federal funding for research into hair-growth solutions for teenage-male baldness. He would like a complete, retroactive cure to teenage-male baldness by no later than February 2010. Get on it. (If it's not asking too much, my brother also would like you to tie some small amount of pork to the baldness bill that authorizes funding for the research and development of a cure for addictive behavior of all kinds, including but not limited to smoking, chewing Nicorette gum, candy flipping, acid dropping, rolling on E, partying on animal tranquilizers, gambling, sexual intercourse, telephone intercourse, text messaging and e-mail intercourse, compulsively planning of vacations you cannot afford, and talking on a cell phone.) Tobin would like Congress to legalize over-the-counter sales and personal possession and use of human growth hormone. He's determined to weigh more than his wife one of these days. Wade would like you to dismantle NORAD monitoring along the U.S.-Canadian border. I ask only for unlimited federal funding of research and development of effective drugs for "natural" male enhancement. The statute should define "effective enhancement" as "growth of no fewer than 5 centimeters." There are benefits to using the metric system for measurements, and I strongly urge Congress to do so.
Brad, thanks for sharing Dead Tooth with your guests and pretending to be a lead guide when you're no better than a third-rate tail guide. You should take a little out of the business and get that thing capped, braw. At least it wasn't obvious that Tom knew nothing at all about your tenure, even though Tom was "ultimately responsible" for our safety. I especially appreciated your scolding when you unknowingly triggered a slide and then yelled at me for skiing down and out of the way. I, for one, believed you when you told us that you don't grow BC's finest on your land tenure.
Tom, thanks for steering us clear of those "big" 5-foot pillow drops. We wouldn't want our guests getting hurt going off those, would we? Especially when the landing is three-feet to the plush side with pow. Also, thanks for spending all day checking snow stability, never once taking us into any of the 50-degree chutes that supposedly were hiding somewhere behind the clouds up in the alpine, and worrying about avalanches above 6,000 feet where there clearly wasn't any surface hoar buried under the storm snow. Greene liked it when you told him to "f'ing listen" to you, otherwise we were all going home. After all, Greene was at least four feet in front and ten feet to the right of Brad on one of those hairy 42-degree faces that had no surface hoar buried underneath the new snow. And what's with that damn permagrin, guy? You reminded me of Howdy Doody. At least you didn't refer to your backpack as a "little nig*er," like Ruddy.
Carole, thanks for skiing with the group like a paying guest while you're much cooler employees were forced to mop and clean the lodge like Cinderella. Yes, Mirabito does suck, and no, it has nothing to do with you, you insecure piece of worn-out French Canadian trash. And, no, for the hundredth time, my f'ing name is not Chris. God forbid you start the ski day an hour early so that we can get an extra run in. That would cut into your beauty sleep and double the size of your already impressive jowls. There's no way you would have been able to rob the cradle and land a ski-bum hunk like Brad if he wasn't tortured by his own insecurity due to Dead Tooth. Is it really possible that you have been skiing on those same 450 skiable acres for 9 years and still no less about the cat operations than we do? Carole, shut the . . .
Until next year,
Dr. Fatkins
